Searching For Something That I Can't Understand

Do. Say. Go. Be.

2006-07-08T13:17:00.000-07:00

That was the theme of challenge '06. A theme which in istelf is a challenge, a challenge to go out and follow what God really wants us to do. To no longer be a christian who hold on the the balance beam of his faith, but to be a christian willing to stand up and do crazy things for God. To be a christian who will tell Jesus as many people as they may possibly come in contact with. That is what i learned this past week. The lessons that i have learned will stay with me for as long as i am alive. I have but one thing left to say. All the people that i have met this past week you have truly touched my life in so many ways, i hope that i have touched yours as well, may you all never forget what we have learned in the past week. Let's show the world something that is so new and so radical that they will have no choice but to believe

Paranoid

2006-06-12T01:28:00.000-07:00

Wondering
Nervous thoughts and feelings fall through my head
I barely know her
But she fills my mind
I want to get to know her better
But does she?
Will she ever?
I don't want to seem desperate
Like some loser who can;t take a hint
what will happen?
All these questions
Constantly being asked
Never being answered
They are driving me crazy
Making me paranoid
But why?
I barely even know her
Or what she thinks
God, please, give me an answer
Do not be silent any longer

Questioning

2006-06-12T01:27:00.000-07:00

This came to me when I was praying today

I sit here alone
Locked in this tiny cell
I can hear them outside
Their laughter smashing the silence
Smashing the peace of my mind

Thoughts of her rush into my head
I can see her beauty lies in her grace
Her loving kindness shines through
These things You have given her

Radiating and pulsating
These feelings run through my veins
Help me out God
Give me an answer
Anything will do
As long as it ends this silence

I feel like a failure
I cant go on like this
I am being pulled in so many directions
I cant tell what is real from what is fake

Four choices lie before me
Multiplying demanding an answer
To a question that hasnt been asked

One seems so far away
But it couldnt be closer
Another I tried before and want to try again
Yet one more is seeking me out
The last doesnt have a clue

I am being pulled in so many directions
I look to find one choice in each corner
And I realize that nobody is pulling except for me

Why cant I hear you God?
Where is your answer?
Where is your vision?
When will I be at peace?

Tell me what choice to make
All these emotions just make me confused
This is my prayer to You God

Second Guessing

2006-06-12T01:26:00.000-07:00

A myriad of dreams dance through my head
I wander from place to place
Confused, I am alone
An empty feeling fills me up
Qustions enter my head
Second-guessing the conclusion that I've come to
Why can't I act on these feelings?

Shadows

2006-06-12T01:25:00.000-07:00

Shadows dance throught the darkness
In my mind I se men that are not there
In front of me there is nothing
But in my mind the room is filled
In the darkness a man cries out
Or was it just my imagination?
Again I hear it
And again
And again
The noises of men dying fill my head
Yet I hear nothing

Pain

2006-06-12T01:23:00.000-07:00

Never Ending
I am constantly plagued
Quick
Like a bolt of lightning they come
And then
They leave
Just as quickly
Just so another may take its place
Why do I do this to myself?
What the hell went through my head
I thought that we felt the same
How could I have been so blind
People thought that I had the wrong intentions
That I only wanted what I could get
I didnt. But did she?
Now, it hurts
So much
And there is only one way to stop the pain
But I couldnt ever do it
Would anyone really car?
I cant remember the last time that I was truly happy
This pain and worry have always weighed so heavy on my mind
And now, it has consumed me
Leaving me empty
A shell that doesnt care about itself
Will I ever feel whole again
Just as I was thinking how easy I would be to let it all go
I did it
I ripped them apart
What did they do to me?
What made them deserve that?
Oh God
Why did I do that?
I feel like a jerk
Someone who doesnt deserve anything
Empty and alone
Its not a matter of if
But when
When will I gain control
Flashes of anger
I just want to be solid
Like a rock
Standing here I am on solid ground
But does that matter?
I feel like I am made of liquid
Running off this hard surface
Down to the ground
Smashing and exploding
Like a rainstorm
Slowly at first
Then faster
Breaking down everything
Affecting all those who are around me
Affecting what they think of me
I try to be their rock
But how can I do that
When I am in a freefall?
Take away this pain and anger
And nothing will be left
It is all that I am now

Two Inches Tall

2006-06-07T19:27:00.000-07:00

Two inches tall
Thats how you make me feel
Your words cut through me
The looks that you give me
They make me feel worthless
Don't you realize how you make me feel?
How you treat me?
I'm so sorry for getting in your way
For doing everything wrong
I just want to feel loved
I am so tired of fighting
Tired of being angry
And being a jerk
Things shouldn't be like this
We shouldn't be at odds
Or mad at eachother
Why can't I treat you like my other sisters?

Dance

2006-06-07T19:22:00.000-07:00

A crowd
Constantly moving
Feet shuffling
A sound i s heard
Voices cry out
The lights dance
The crowd heaves
moving together
One way
Then another
Taken in I begin to move
Immersed amongst the bodies
I feel their heat
Burning it stays within me
It makes me move
Then the sound stops
But silence does not come
Voices echo off the walls
A new sound begins
More cries are heard
Once again the crowd heaves
And takes me with it

Rise Up

2006-06-07T19:16:00.000-07:00

Rise up O Lion of Judah
Lift me up in Your holy hands
Take me away
Far from this evil place
Come and rescue me

Lord I am surrounded
I am attacked on all sides
But You give me hope
And keep me safe
For You are my Rescuer

For All The Heroes Out There

2006-03-13T18:12:00.000-08:00

The average age of a military man is 19 years old.He is a short haired, tight muscled kid, who, under normal circumstances, is considered by society as half man, half boy. Not yet dry behind the ears, not old enough to buy a beer, but old enough to die for his country. He never really cared much for work and he would rather wax his own car than wash his father’s, but he has never collected unemployment either.He’s a recent High School graduate; He was probably an average student, pursued some form of sport activitie, drives a ten year old Jalopy and has a steady girlfriend that either broke up with him when he left, or swears to be waiting when he returns form half a world away.He listens to rock and roll or hip hop or rap or jazz or swing and 155m Howitzers.He is 10 or 15 pounds lighter now than when he was home because he is working or fighting from before dawn to well after dusk.He has trouble spelling, thus letter writing is a pain for him, but he can field strip a rifle in 30 seconds and reassemble it in less time in the dark.He can recite to you the nomenclature of a machine gun or grenade launcher and use either one effectively if he must.He digs foxholes and latrines and can apply first aid like a professionalHe can march until he is told to stop or stop until he is told to march. He obeys orders instantly and without hesitation, but he is not without spirit or individual dignity.He is self sufficient. He has two sets of fatigues: He washes one and wears the other.He keeps his canteens full and his feet dry. He sometimes forgets to brush his teeth, but never his rifle.He can cook his own meals, mend his own clothes, and fix his own hurts. If you’re thirsty, he’ll share his water with you; if you’re hungry, his food.He’ll even split ammunition with you in the midst of battle when you run low.He has learned to use his hands like weapons and weapons like they were his hands. He can save your life… or take it, because that’s his job.He will often do twice the work of a civilian, draw half the pay, and still find ironic humor in it all. He has seen more suffering and death then he should have in his short life time.He has stood atop mountains of dead bodies, and helped create them.He has wept in public and private for friends who have fallen in combat, and is not ashamed.He feels every note of the National Anthem vibrate through is body while at rigid attention, while tempering the burning desire to ‘square away’ those around him who haven’t bothered to stand, remove their hat, or even stop talking. In an odd twist, day in and day out, far away from home, he defends their right to be disrespectful.Just as his Father, Grandfather, and Great-Grandfather, he is paying the price for our freedom.Beardless or not, he is not a boyHe is the American Fighting Man that has kept this country free for over 200 years.He has asked nothing in return, except our friendship and understanding.Remember him, always, for he has earned our respect and admiration with his blood.

Stand

2006-03-12T22:18:00.000-08:00

This is a song that i wrote a long time ago and haven't ever really done anything with it so if you play guitar and want to write music to it go ahead

Its time to stand with the righteous
Its time to run through your gates with praise
Its time to shout it out to Zion
Cause I'm coming back to you

I wanna stand with the righteous
I wanna scream out your praise
I wanna be your humble servant Lord
Break my heart for you

Its time to stand with the righteous
Its time to run through your gates with praise
Its time to shout it out to Zion
Cause I'm coming back to you

Pick me up when I fall Lord
Take me to see your crown
Let me run through the gates of heaven
Lord I'm coming back to You

Its time to stand with the righteous
Its time to run through your gates with praise
Its time to shout it out to Zion
Cause I'm coming back to you

Its time to shout it out to Zion
Time to sing for the great I AM
Its time to let the nations know Lord

I'm gonna stand with the righteous
I'm gonna run through your gates with praise
I'm gonna shout it out to Zion
Cause I'm coming back to you

A POEM

2006-03-12T22:14:00.000-08:00

Lost

Come and rescue me
Save me from myself
From all the stupid things I do
From all the stupid things I say
Here I am broken
I am flat on my face
In need of grace that
Only You can give
Take in this lamb
Lost and alone
Here I am
Frightened and
Crying out to You

Hello World!!

2006-03-12T21:42:00.000-08:00

Wow a new blog. Kinda exciting, first off the posts will probably be from my old blog mingled with some new stuff. If you want to see the old blog too bad I am more than a little ashamed of what it turned out to be, so i decided t scrap it, and start a new blog that will have more of my thoughts on it. So yeah, there isn't much else.

excpet that